Jackie Wiles confronts fear, PTSD, seeks Olympic redemption

Veteran speed skier Jackie Wiles is ready to return to the stage eight years after her Olympic debut. Battling years of injury, setback, and most recently PTSD, Wiles will confront her demons in Tuesday’s Olympic women’s downhill, scheduled for Monday night North American time.

Rewind nearly four years ago: Wiles was peaking in the months leading up to the 2018 Olympics. She just came off her second podium before participating in her final World Cup race in Garmisch prior to departing for PyeongChang. Less than a minute into her downhill run, Wiles suffered a horrific crash and was lifted off the mountain by helicopter with a broken leg and one of the worst knee injuries ever seen. Her Olympic dream was over. 

When Wiles first came back from injury, she didn’t consider herself fearful, per se. In conversations with then-teammates Lindsey Vonn and Julia Mancuso, she never shared her thoughts on overcoming fear — but she does with her teammates today. The culture then was about being tough and getting back out there. 

Wiles fought to get back to where she was before the crash. She was nearly there last year before breaking her collarbone in the first race of the season. Motivated to participate in the World Championships, Wiles returned to snow 10 days following her collarbone surgery. She was told no abrupt movements, no hitting gates, and not to crash. That’s a tough assignment for a World Cup ski racer. Wiles returned to snow but was not nearly the same skier as before. She was scared. 

“Mentality, it’s been really tough because it’s been a long road to recovery from where I was four years ago going into the 2018 Olympics,” shared Wiles. “Finally going into this last season, I was skiing probably the best I ever had and was super excited and really poised to have a great season. First race of the season, I broke my collarbone. It’s pretty aggravating and frustrating.”

Despite skiing defensively, Wiles continued to compete. She finished her season at World Championships in Cortina before tweaking her left knee and undergoing a minor surgery. Three months later, at her return-to-snow camp, Wiles recognized an even larger pain in her right knee, a patella tear. She went in for an additional knee surgery that paved the way to remove the rod in her collarbone at the same time. 

Living with fear 

Growing up as a speed skier, Wiles was taught to be tough and brave. Now at 29-years-old she has witnessed her fair share of crashes and injuries from the sport. But last year was different. 

Wiles noticed herself struggling to concentrate during inspection. Instead of formulating a plan, she started focusing on sections of the course where things could go wrong. She was convinced that her inability to focus was from ADHD and got tested last spring. Her results came back normal.

Instead, Wiles was told she had PTSD. 

“It kinda let me have this moment of, ‘Okay, I’m going to be okay,’” said Wiles. “Maybe we have found the reason I’ve been struggling in other areas. I’ve just been suppressing my fear.”

Time and time again, Wiles has been reminded of the dangers within her sport. She witnessed friend Alice Merryweather break her leg in front of her eyes, watched teammate Keely Cashman be taken away by helicopter with a brain injury, and nearly vomited from her couch watching crashes in San Pellegrino on TV last year. She has battled years of injuries and recoveries all while witnessing horrific injuries to her teammates and friends, which made it hard — if not, impossible — to want to go out and do it again.

Now she understands her limitations. She recognizes fear and avoids suppressing trauma.

“I think the first step is acknowledging it and accepting it, and now I can work through it,” said Wiles. “It’s easy to just use that stigma, as we are supposed to be tough and brave as speed skiers. Now I’m accepting it and acknowledging it and I think it’s more empowering.”

Wiles has developed techniques for dealing with her fearful mindset. Now, when fear creeps in, she acknowledges the feeling instead of pushing it aside. Every athlete has a different way to process fear. Wiles turns her focus toward technique, tactics, and the task at hand to get her through it.

“You look at these high-pressure moments and situations where fear or doubt creeps in,” said Wiles. “You’ve got to focus on what you’ve done your whole life and prepared for — that will give you the best outcome. If you focus on the negative then bad things always tend to happen.”

While she has granted herself permission to live with the fear, Wiles continues to manage it everyday. Now physically and emotionally prepared to return to what should have been her third Games, she is ready for Olympic redemption. 

“I want to go back and tackle the beast of what I felt like was robbed from me, getting hurt right before the last Olympics and feeling like I just came off a podium and was peaking,” reminisced Wiles. “I want to fight back and get what was right at the tip of my hands and gone in an instant.”

Wiles was the second fastest American behind Shiffrin in the first training run. It’s a track like nothing she’s skied before with various terrain changes, banked turns, and grippy snow.

“Being here four years after the last Olympics was cut short for me, I now have a new appreciation for enjoying the moment and having a blast with my teammates,” said Wiles. “I’m excited to really give it all I got these next couple days.”